February 9, 2015. It was a Monday. My only class that day was cancelled and I had nothing due in the next few days, so I wanted to go on an adventure. I called a good friend of mine who also didn’t have class. He picked me up and we drove. Far away. We laughed, we sang ridiculously to the radio, and we marveled at God’s creation. To me, it seemed like the beginning to a perfect day. Well…he had other plans. I had no idea, on that day, that I would soon be pressing charges against this “Godly man.”
We drove about two hours away into the most beautiful farmland. Open fields and livestock are some of my favorite things in this world. We found the most beautiful, secluded area. It was like our own little hideaway. It was just the two of us and our hot chocolate- completely silent (with the exception of the occasional ‘moo’). It was absolutely perfect. It was cold, so we huddled close and then… things began to heat up- in more ways than one. Lips and hands wandered. Kiss by kiss and touch by touch I grew more uncomfortable. I knew where this was going and I wasn’t okay with it.
Now, I am not one to keep my thoughts to myself. I told him we needed to stop. Now. I pulled away and he yanked me right back. “I’m not done yet” is what he said. Years of self defense and kickboxing did not prepare me for the shock of those words. I froze. I tried to fight, but the more I fought, the stronger he seemed to get. A gun was pulled and put to my head.”Sleep tight” were the last words he spoke to me before I fell unconscious. It was the hot chocolate.
When I came to, I was alone. The words whore, fat, bitch, and worthless were written on my body in permanent marker. I gathered my clothes, put them on, and walked. I walked until I saw a police officer. I waved him down, told him what happened, and got in his car.
Charges were pressed and a plea bargain was reached.
That day still haunts me. It caused me to revert back to poor eating habits and to abuse exercise. I started to starve myself again and run 75 mpw. I stopped being able to function and was essentially breaking my bones. The voices of ED told me I deserved to die that day. He should have pulled the trigger.
But my God is so much bigger than that. He loves me more than I’ll ever be able to love myself. He created me with a purpose and my life is not over yet. I am significant and I don’t “take up space in this world.” I am not a whore. I am not fat. I am not a bitch. And I am worth so much more than what this world can give. It was the realization of these things combined with the help of a counselor and the support of dear friends, that I now feel comfortable to talk about it. Ultimately, I want to encourage other young women who have been through this. It is not our fault. We did not do anything to deserve what happened to us. We are beautiful, we are brave, we are strong, we are worth everything, and, most importantly, we are loved so tenderly by our Heavenly Father. Maybe punishment wasn’t served to your perpetrator, but there will come a day when Jesus will ride in on that white horse, and justice will be served.
11 Now I saw heaven opened, and behold, a white horse. And He who sat on him was called Faithful and True, and in righteousness He judges and makes war. 12 His eyes were like a flame of fire, and on His head were many crowns. He had a name written that no one knew except Himself. 13 He was clothed with a robe dipped in blood, and His name is called The Word of God. 14 And the armies in heaven, clothed in fine linen, white and clean, followed Him on white horses. 15 Now out of His mouth goes a sharp sword, that with it He should strike the nations. And He Himself will rule them with a rod of iron. He Himself treads the winepress of the fierceness and wrath of Almighty God. 16 And He has on His robe and on His thigh a name written:
KING OF KINGS AND
LORD OF LORDS.