This weekend has been exceptionally rough. Thursday I made the (extremely difficult) decision to return to outpatient treatment. Over the last few weeks I have started to relapse. It’s not bad yet, but if I didn’t do this, then it wouldn’t be long before it did get bad. I will still be going to classes and living my life, but I have to get help. Even though I’m choosing to do it doesn’t mean it won’t be hard. I don’t have my recovery partner this time. I don’t have my parents. I have friends who know, but sometimes they just don’t. I am convincing my self, the best that I can, that my God is enough. He can’t physically hold me when I’m weak or audibly affirm my efforts, but He has got to be enough.
Needless to say, I have been struggling a lot. Today I decided to do something I’ve never done before. I packed up all of my things, got in my car, and drove. I drove until I felt like I was no longer Rachel- a girl so stuck in her life that she can’t truly live. I drove until I reached a place where I could stop being me. I could be anyone I wanted to be for the day. Nobody knew me. Nobody knew my deepest hurts and struggles. I could truly stop and be with the only One who truly knows me. Today, I saw colors in nature I have never seen before. I saw huge open fields like the ones I was raised on and quaint little homes I was dying to explore. For the first time in a long time I was able to appreciate my Creator. I have always had a thing for nature. It is the one thing in my crazy world that is stable and unchanging. However, lately I haven’t been taking the time to stop and marvel at it. Today was a much needed wake up call.
I decided to get out and walk around a little bit. I parked my car in the parking lot of the church and just started walking. I found the college library and poked around (they have so many great books!) I walked down my favorite street in the whole town – church street. Let me tell you something. It was beautiful. Even though I was wearing jeans (and I have been missing my Mizunos for a week) I couldn’t help it. I shoved my car keys in my pocket and tucked my owl necklace inside my shirt and I ran. I’m sure I looked like an idiot, but I ran. I left all my worries in that church parking lot and I ran. For the length of that road and back, I felt free. If I just go a little faster and push a little harder, nothing can touch me. Not even ED.
When I got back to that church parking lot, sweaty and grimy, I felt so close to God. I sat in my trunk and cried, because I had forgotten about God. Sounds pathetic I know, but I knew, then and there, that God’s got me. He will be enough for me. He’s got to be.
Now, for the semi humorous part of this story. Picture this. A girl, wearing baggy jeans, a baggy shirt, and an owl necklace, sweaty and grimy, and covered in Jesus tears just chilling in a church parking lot gets hollered at in the middle of the day. “Hey baby. How much do you charge?” Not gonna lie. For a while I was pissed. It was guys like him who led me to sell myself for alcohol in high school (that’s a story for another post). But after 24 hours have passed I can see some humor in the whole situation. Of all people you pick the gross sweaty girl dressed in the least revealing clothes on the planet who is sitting in a church parking lot soaked in Jesus tears. Smooth. No thanks to you, I will be back this week. Thanks be, instead, to the books in the library.
Be filled with Jesus.